Wednesday, September 4, 2013

Consciously Choosing: The Opportunity to Heal

Day 90 of 100 days of blogging

Realize that today you and I have been given the greatest gift of life and that is choice. We get to choose how we will be with what's happening. We get to choose whether we will grow. We get to choose whether we will give. ~Mary Morrissey

A few months ago I met a man at a community party at my house. A potluck with dance music and conversation. From the minute I met him, something went zing in my solar plexus. Although our lifestyles and interests were very different there was something pulling me towards him for exploration. I was curious and I noticed by his body language and how he hovered around me all night that he must be feeling something similar.

Last week I had a chance to spend more time with him talking and what I noticed was how much he...alright, I am just going to say much he pissed me off. Seriously...he annoyed and angered and frustrated me over and over. He also intrigued me with his confidence and clarity about what he liked and didn't like in life.

So, what was going on? 

“Every situation, properly perceived, becomes an opportunity to heal.” ~ A Course in Miracles

The next day I had an opportunity to walk with him on the beach and talk and listen. After a leisurely stroll we sat down and in ten minutes I had the beginning of an AHA that would deepen, as I walked away to process the next steps by myself.

I could see how he embodied so many men from my past. I saw glimpses of the first guy I had sex with and felt the pain of disconnection and belittling. I saw elements of both of my husbands and my father. I saw a glimpse of a business partner from last year. I saw a guy from college who I fell head over heels in love with (or was it lust?), only to find out that he was using me to try to make an ex-girlfriend jealous. All of these men were a part of something unresolved in my past and connected with something that is a story about issues with men.

In that short conversation, I saw this opportunity to heal. In his words, I felt how different men and women can be in the way they process information in their brains. I saw how I could empower myself with forgiveness and love and acceptance and understanding.

Every night for the last week, I lay in bed first thinking about the man on the beach. Recalling a moment in the conversation and asking to be shown how I can transform the feelings. Every night a different man from my past has emerged. I have allowed myself to feel all of the feelings and then to bring in love. First I feel the sadness, the anger, the hurt, the jealousy, the old patterning and desire to be loved and seen.

I imagine a golden light entering the top of my head. Warm, bright, expansive. I receive it into every cell of my body including my heart and then I radiate it out to the man who is present in my thoughts. I bring in love and I thank him for being in my life, for teaching me something about myself, for giving me the opportunity to connect to my personal power and my voice.

I feel myself connected to the men at different ages. I radiate love to myself.

Sometimes I use the Ho'oponopono prayer:

"I'm sorry
Please forgive me.
I love you.
Thank you."

I repeat it over and over until I feel my body completely relax and I feel the love pouring out of me.

I am immersing myself in this healing. Every day I see men who are gentle, caring, strong, connected, wise, vulnerable, funny, giving, receiving and I know that the inner work I am doing at night is attracting a different type of man into my life. 

I am grateful for all of the feelings stirred up by the man at the community party. I see him as a gift. A wise teacher who appeared at the time I needed to connect, at the time I needed to see the old wounding and at a time when he could show up in this role. 

I send him love and deep gratitude...

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