Wednesday, September 25, 2013

Intimacy and Vulnerability and Going to the Dentist

Day 94 of 100 days of Blogging

I am leaning in and posting this as a blog because I refuse to run away and hide.

I spent a few hours chatting on FB the other day with a FB friend who I recently met in person. We were talking about desire, sharing some of our stories, becoming more  and intimacies.

He wrote, "Can I ask you an intimacy?" I said, "Yes." He said, "What about your teeth?"

I am so grateful for the gentle way the intimacy was delivered. I am so grateful for all of the feelings and emotions that have come up and for the action that it inspired me to take.

Up until 4 years ago, I regularly went to the dentist. My teeth have always been a weak area in my body system and during my 4 pregnancies and the 19 months of my son's birth and death, I always lost one or two teeth. In 2009, I was having some major restoration work done and then someone's bankruptcy that year wiped out $200,000 which was all of my money. All dental care stopped and I just learned to deal with the unfinished work and missing teeth.

I am just getting back on my feet financially this year. Two weeks ago, one of my housemates and I were talking about finding a dentist and I was still procrastinating. Then, I cracked a tooth and I have been self-conscious about it. Getting my teeth fixed is one of the things on my desire list for this year. It has been an example of where I put my own self care last and this is the year I am changing that.
The feelings that came up in the intimacy are intermixed with shame and compassion. My mind is like a wild animal with it sometimes. I feel a wave of shame and I think “I can’t see him again until all of the work is done on my teeth. Until I fix them all."

And so I have decided to do the thing that I know is the stretch, the through line, the way to change. I am posting it publicly. I am saying it out loud. I am going to start smiling the way I used to and love myself in the process while I am still getting my teeth repaired.

The day after the intimacy was delivered, I found a dentist. I have already had my teeth cleaned and scheduled an appt in October to get the first tooth fixed. My goal is to get something repaired every month and within a year have all of the restoration work complete.

Boom! Take that shame! Throwing you out the door and living life as I am today.

Thank you Facebook friend.

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